Should I stay or should I go

This was written a few days ago, but didn’t post.  The progression is progressing.   The decision unmade.  However, internet is now working!  And so the post….

The decision is I’m grappling with a rather serious issue at the moment; where do I be.  ie leave NoCali, go back to  the islands, go somewhere else in Nocali….

One thing I’ve learned from my experience with farms, businesses, communities, life, etc… and being a worker/worktrader/community organizer/etc…. define details.

Currently I’m at a farm in Mendocino… many folks came here, and come here, from the Awaken Gathering.  The temporaries are basically gone, and the core seems to be forming.  The people that are here are, by and large, good folks with a good basis for community, and we are trying to build just that: community.  The land is nice, though small, at 10-12 acres, but is connected to national forest land.  It has it’s own farm thing going on as well… theoretically, the owner is just opening the land up for a community to form.  

The problems: I left Oregon because I’m tired of being cold, and NoCali isn’t much better.  A bit, but not much, and the ocean is offlimits without a wetsuit or wanting to be cold to freezing, just like at the oregon coast.  I went to the Hawaiian Islands because I wanted to experience that life for awhile, and build the ability to dual situate myself there and west coast.  Money: if I can’t make some here (in theory seems I could, but so far at this farm it’s all not til fall… that’s a lot of faith, which I could have, but I’m not sure I want to, when there are potentially other options), then why am I not in Hawaii where it is warm and the Aloha spirit is alive… or, if I’m building something, at the family farm in Oregon where I can build something that will last a lifetime or more.  The land here is allegedly only for a few years; potentially.  There is a lot of chaos, and seemedly needs for I and others to do work on the preexisting farm, with no details yet discussed, as far as pay, how that works with all the work on the community we have to do, and let’s say it: having personal time.  Those I came here with are no longer a part of what is occurring, essentially.  Fabienne and Matthew are further north, doing their thing… and possibly finding me some work.  Travis, while connected to the farm still, is in Mendocino town at the community center, doing his thing there.  Might occasionally be at farm, and I might occasionally run into him when I go to the center, but the group exists only tangentially, with no current discussion on when it reforms and how.  The last 3 days (ie since I’ve been back)  have been work work work work work, wait for work to happen… etc… no personal time.   I’m feeling like I’m being used as a resource (ie I’m strong, I have farming/building/forest knowledge/community organizing experience galore, etc), not being treated as a human.  Having what I can do be made use of, without engaging the me that is.   Chaos is abundant.  There’s more, but that’s enough.

The good: If I can last here through harvest time, I could make some money (how much no clue.  which is why I’m waiting for a sit down with the landowner, and my traveling partner Travis, before fully deciding), and make when I get back to Hawaii much easier.  We have good people, and will draw more good people.  The animals are super.  There is further experience to gain.  There are further connections to gain.  I could possibly find work elsewhere in NoCali.  The community center is a chance to affect.  There is more going on than just now; we are here for more than whatever immediate now we’re in.  NoCali is a good place, and I do need to build more connections here.  

If I do end up getting gifted a Hang Drum… I almost think I could shift my energy to a place where I can handle this til harvest time.

There’s just been so much stress… and so little “yah, this feels good”.  And that will happen with any startup, especially community startup.  But I am simply not sure I want to be here, in the land of cold.  When I left specifically because of that, along with experience other views/check a myriad of them to see what works/what doesn’t, in the land of farming, intentional community, traveler types et al.

I’m going to give it more time.  We just spent days moving a hot tub on the property, as well as a shit ton of wood to build things with.  But so far… the reasons not to be here are affecting me strongly, whereas the reasons to be here are…. all in the future.  Nothing now.  At this point.  I don’t know that I’m ready to commit to something on that level.  I’m reshaping my life for gods’ sake.  It’s only been a couple months of traveling.  I’m so tired.  I’m so tired of makin gthings happen, then making more things happen.  I’m tired of getting serious work offers with seriously no talk of compensation.  “stand up for the community”.  The one that has stood up for me… when?

I just want to join someone else’s vision for once.  Not have to stress over details, big picture, et al.  Just know what my function is, perform it, and do my own thing… personal healing, studying, musica making, meditation, playing in the water, et al.  Is that even possible for me?  Every situation I get into, I never seem to be able to just be the worker/hanger on/one function performer.   

I’ve tried sitting by, assuming things were getting taken care of because others stated intent, and I assumed since they had intent, follow through would occur.  I have found that does not happen.  The only way it will is if someone starts handling it.  It being the shitty part of organizing, of being a PIC.  The part with no recognition (that beast has already reared its head), with hardass work, with lots of stress.  For god’s sake.  For once, I don’t want to have to be that person in such a situation.  

I need time to work on myself.  To heal.  To learn.  To solidify internals.  To figure out how the frack I fit into this world.  I can’t do that if I’m pulling a PIC.  Person In Charge, if you didn’t know.

I also know where my focus is at the moment, and am willing to give it a bit.  I need to talk to the landowner and the travel people.  I need to find out specifics/details.  Then I will make a decision.  

I suppose it’s the up in the air, non defined, tell you I need you for this without giving you the giveback idea… until these talks happen.  

But currently, I am looking through my other options.

I suppose, ultimately… since I’m such a recluse –  not the social creature most folks in this world are, I have to make my own money, since I cannot rely on society, and have never been able to.  So if I get work in NoCali elsewhere, and there isn’t an option here, I’ll do that.  If no money making opportunities present themselves… I’m just going to go back to Hawaii.

That is where I stand now.  ie as of now, it is a small percentage of me that feels I will stay for the summer here.  More of me feels I will find work elsewhere here (if not at this farm) that pays cash money.  Or just go back to Maui.

And yet, I am also open to finding myself staying; there are some very important talks that need to occur.

About sadmusicforhappyhumans

Nevyn Is You Are Nevyn.
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